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 Post subject: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2013 12:26 am 
Sniper Joe
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Location: Elderslie, NSW, Australia
Hi guys, I have recently started writing a song that would be based in the Megas universe. In the next couple of days I will post some of the lyrics and I could use some help with improving them. The song probably will be based from later on in MM3, with Protoman and Megaman confronting each other. I've had some of these lyrics in my head for a while now and figured I might as well write them down. I would like get some advice as well. Once I finish most of the lyrics, my friend will help me write the music for it.

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"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2013 5:43 pm 
Sniper Joe
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Location: Elderslie, NSW, Australia
Here is the first draft of the song, which is now titled "Fate no longer sealed"

A fate no longer sealed

I can see it on your face,
All the confusion and all the pain,
Your faith shattered, your world turned upside down,
Who’s really the one to blame?
Your father hid the truth from you,
Lied about what was wrong and right,
He betrayed you, betrayed me, can’t you see?
The true evil is Dr Light!

Come brother, join our side,
We can see the truth revealed
Let’s make a world where we’ll be free,
Our fates’ will be no longer sealed


You’re tired Rock, tired of this game,
(Will this war ever end?)
You fight so hard, But it only brings you pain,
(I can feel my will starting to bend)
Can’t you see? What you fight for is just a lie!
(No, the peace I fight for will not be denied)
How can you win with the stakes this high?
(I’ll find the strength from deep inside)
Do you really think these wars will end at 3?

Come brother, join our side,
We can see the truth revealed
Let’s make a world where we’ll be free,
Our fates’ will be no longer sealed


I used to think that peace would come,
That the war would end, it would be done.
I used to believe everything you said.
I trusted you, even as I bled.
Now I see all this death to be
Just cause of a stupid rivalry!
So I’m gonna end this, once and for all,
For what he’s done, Wily must fall!
Not for your sake, but for mine,
Time to end this one last time!

Come join MY side!
We’ve seen the truth revealed!
We’ll make a world where we’ll be free!
Our Fates’ were never sealed!

_________________
"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 3:15 am 
Sniper Joe
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Sooooo.... Is anyone going to tell me what they think, give me some constructive critisism etc, or are you all just going to ignore it, cause if that's the case, and the week and a bit I spent was a waste of time, I would like to know.

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"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:48 am 
Prototype Babe
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I haven't been around much and therefore didn't see this >.>

Anyways, first off you're super good at rhyming things. I suck at that and I have no idea how people do it, so that fascinates me. I also like the overall mood of the song.

Also, this makes me feel bad for both of them. Proto has obviously gone through shit as well as Mega, both on account of Light's mistakes. Yeah, Wily's the one who started the war and all, but Light's not some shining beacon of innocence.

I also kinda feel like the very last verse is sort of choppy for some reason. Maybe if I actually heard the song it wouldn't be, but Mega's last verse just seems off-rhythm compared to the rest.

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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 11:06 am 
beautiful butterfly
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Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2012 3:27 am
Posts: 2818
I really hate all the half rhymes for the first half pf the song.
I'm really not feeling it at the moment. If there was a track behind it maybe I'd feel different.


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 4:23 pm 
Sniper Joe
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protobabe wrote:
I haven't been around much and therefore didn't see this >.>

Anyways, first off you're super good at rhyming things. I suck at that and I have no idea how people do it, so that fascinates me. I also like the overall mood of the song.

Also, this makes me feel bad for both of them. Proto has obviously gone through shit as well as Mega, both on account of Light's mistakes. Yeah, Wily's the one who started the war and all, but Light's not some shining beacon of innocence.

I also kinda feel like the very last verse is sort of choppy for some reason. Maybe if I actually heard the song it wouldn't be, but Mega's last verse just seems off-rhythm compared to the rest.

Yeah, the last verse is a bit different. My intent is to get the lyrics first, then my friend will work with me to make a tune. Most likely the last verse will have a different beat as I want it to stand out, to build up. Thanks for the compliment, I have had to work for a long time at that. And yes, I did want to get across the point that Light is not perfect. An earlier draft had him and Roll show up to encourage Mega, but it just did not feel right with their characters.

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"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 4:26 pm 
Sniper Joe
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LockableFaceman wrote:
I really hate all the half rhymes for the first half pf the song.
I'm really not feeling it at the moment. If there was a track behind it maybe I'd feel different.

Yeah, it is pretty rough at the moment, and it will probably sound better with a tune behind it. Can I ask what part of the rhymes you don't like? Just so I can improve the song and learn a few things.

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"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 5:06 pm 
beautiful butterfly
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Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2012 3:27 am
Posts: 2818
I dunno. It's not the rhymes themselves but where they are. It feels weird to open with half rhymes. It feels less structured.
Again. Once there's a beat behind it I'm sure it'll be fine.

In fact don't even listen to me. I'm way too harsh.
Is there a song these lyrics are supposed to go with or is this an original tune?


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 11:36 pm 
Sniper Joe
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Location: Elderslie, NSW, Australia
LockableFaceman wrote:
In fact don't even listen to me. I'm way too harsh.
Is there a song these lyrics are supposed to go with or is this an original tune?

It's important to listen to to criticism, no matter how harsh.
I'm hoping to work with a friend to create a tune for it, otherwise I will find a tune it goes with.

_________________
"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 8:11 am 
Robot Master
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LocktheChest wrote:
I can see it on your face,
All the confusion and all the pain, {This is very cliche. Try for some more original way of expressing this.}
Your faith shattered, your world turned upside down,
Who’s really the one to blame?
Your father hid the truth from you,
Lied about what was wrong and right,
He betrayed you, betrayed me, can’t you see?{I like this line. It has punch!}
The true evil is Dr Light!{I want to like this part but the 'true evil' bit seems a bit stilted.}

Come brother, join our side,
We can see the truth revealed
Let’s make a world where we’ll be free,
Our fates’ will be no longer sealed {Speaking of stilted. Please just rearrange this to be "Our fates will no longer be sealed", also you don't need an apostrophe there after fates.}

You’re tired Rock, tired of this game, {You need a comma before the word rock}
(Will this war ever end?)
You fight so hard, But it only brings you pain,{Come on! There are more interesting ways to express this than just saying it. Use a metaphor. Play with words.}
(I can feel my will starting to bend) {See above comment.}
Can’t you see? What you fight for is just a lie! {See above above comment.}
(No, the peace I fight for will not be denied) {Again with the stilted line. I understand that you are trying to fit a meter, but this is just too unnatural.}
How can you win with the stakes this high? {I like this line.}
(I’ll find the strength from deep inside) {Cliche.}
Do you really think these wars will end at 3? {I like the idea of this line but I think it could be more potently phrased. }

Come brother, join our side,
We can see the truth revealed
Let’s make a world where we’ll be free,
Our fates’ will be no longer sealed

I used to think that peace would come,
That the war would end, it would be done. {'Done' and 'Come' make for a bad slant rhyme and this line needs improvement anyway. }
I used to believe everything you said.
I trusted you, even as I bled. {These two lines make Mega sound like an emo teenager. I am sure that's not the vibe you are going for.}
Now I see all this death to be
Just cause of a stupid rivalry! {These two lines are grammatically stilted again but I like where you are trying to take this. }
So I’m gonna end this, once and for all,
For what he’s done, Wily must fall! {Mega changes his mind really quickly here. Maybe this song could use another verse? Or another back and forth between Mega and Proto?}
Not for your sake, but for mine,
Time to end this one last time! {Do you really want this blatant Megas reference?}

Come join MY side!
We’ve seen the truth revealed!
We’ll make a world where we’ll be free!
Our Fates’ were never sealed! {Please. The apostrophe. It must go.}


Hope that helps and I didn't come off as too bitchy!
I edit poetry a lot. <3

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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:06 pm 
Sniper Joe
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Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2012 6:06 pm
Posts: 242
Location: Elderslie, NSW, Australia
Megette wrote:
LocktheChest wrote:
I can see it on your face,
All the confusion and all the pain, {This is very cliche. Try for some more original way of expressing this.}
Your faith shattered, your world turned upside down,
Who’s really the one to blame?
Your father hid the truth from you,
Lied about what was wrong and right,
He betrayed you, betrayed me, can’t you see?{I like this line. It has punch!}
The true evil is Dr Light!{I want to like this part but the 'true evil' bit seems a bit stilted.}

Come brother, join our side,
We can see the truth revealed
Let’s make a world where we’ll be free,
Our fates’ will be no longer sealed {Speaking of stilted. Please just rearrange this to be "Our fates will no longer be sealed", also you don't need an apostrophe there after fates.}

You’re tired Rock, tired of this game, {You need a comma before the word rock}
(Will this war ever end?)
You fight so hard, But it only brings you pain,{Come on! There are more interesting ways to express this than just saying it. Use a metaphor. Play with words.}
(I can feel my will starting to bend) {See above comment.}
Can’t you see? What you fight for is just a lie! {See above above comment.}
(No, the peace I fight for will not be denied) {Again with the stilted line. I understand that you are trying to fit a meter, but this is just too unnatural.}
How can you win with the stakes this high? {I like this line.}
(I’ll find the strength from deep inside) {Cliche.}
Do you really think these wars will end at 3? {I like the idea of this line but I think it could be more potently phrased. }

Come brother, join our side,
We can see the truth revealed
Let’s make a world where we’ll be free,
Our fates’ will be no longer sealed

I used to think that peace would come,
That the war would end, it would be done. {'Done' and 'Come' make for a bad slant rhyme and this line needs improvement anyway. }
I used to believe everything you said.
I trusted you, even as I bled. {These two lines make Mega sound like an emo teenager. I am sure that's not the vibe you are going for.}
Now I see all this death to be
Just cause of a stupid rivalry! {These two lines are grammatically stilted again but I like where you are trying to take this. }
So I’m gonna end this, once and for all,
For what he’s done, Wily must fall! {Mega changes his mind really quickly here. Maybe this song could use another verse? Or another back and forth between Mega and Proto?}
Not for your sake, but for mine,
Time to end this one last time! {Do you really want this blatant Megas reference?}

Come join MY side!
We’ve seen the truth revealed!
We’ll make a world where we’ll be free!
Our Fates’ were never sealed! {Please. The apostrophe. It must go.}


Hope that helps and I didn't come off as too bitchy!
I edit poetry a lot. <3

Thanks for the advice. I need to improve my writing, and this really helps. While it is a rough draft, it's good to get some feedback now, and I really see what you are saying. I'll spend a little while working on this (I have to work around year 12 so it may take a little while), and then I'll post an improved version. The Megas reference will probably go, as it is pretty blatant. Expect a better version in a week or so.

_________________
"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 1:04 am 
Sniper Joe
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Good news guys. I have pretty much finished doing a full revamp to the song, and this time I will also post a video of me singing it! I will warn you, I may not be the best singer, and I will be doing it Capella (that is, without music), but hopefully this will give you a better idea about the song.

_________________
"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 3:01 am 
Sniper Joe
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Well, here it is. I probably could have sung a bit better, but once I have the music, it will be easier to do better(since I was improvising a tune).

Here is the link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ump-a4SzytU

And here are the lyrics:
Protoman:
I can see that you're falling apart,
The stress and strain are plain to see,
Your faith's been shattered, your world turned upside down,
Come with me, I'll set you free!
Your father hid the truth from you,
Lied about what was wrong and right,
He betrayed you, betrayed me, can’t you see?
The one to blame is Dr Light!

Come brother, join our side,
We can see the truth revealed!
Let’s make a world where we’ll be free,
Our fates will no longer be sealed.

Protoman:You’re tired, Rock, tired of this game,
Megaman: (Will this war ever end?)
Protoman:You've fought so long, you've lost your aim (needs work
Megaman: (Is it too much to want a friend?)
Protoman:Join your brothers, reject the lie!
Megaman: (That's something I cannot do)
Protoman:How can you win with the stakes this high?
Megaman: (I have no choice, I must push through)

Protoman:
Are you bound to your father's will?
If you win, can you make the kill?
Can't you see, if you choose to obey,
You'll be a killer, that's what they'll say,
They'll abandon you anyway!
They'll shut you down, seal you away!

Come brother, join our side,
We can see the truth revealed
Let’s make a world where we’ll be free,
Our fates will no longer be sealed

Megaman:
I used to think that peace would come,
That the war would end, my duty would be done.
For years I've asked "What am I fighting for?"
Is there a cause that justifies the war?
Now I've seen everything we've lost,
I have to make it worth the cost.
This has to stop, for you and me,
I have to end this rivalry.
For what he’s done, Wily must fall,
So I’ll finish him, once and for all!

Come join MY side!
We’ve seen the truth revealed!
We’ll make a world where we’ll be free!
Our Fates will never be sealed!

_________________
"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 8:52 pm 
Sniper Joe
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Is anyone going to say anything?

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"How can there be peace while two sides stand? You're a machine who calls himself a man. You fight for a dream that can never be, Your arguments are noise, it's time to make your choice!"-Make Your Choice, History Repeating: Red


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 Post subject: Re: Writing a new song!
PostPosted: Mon Mar 04, 2013 8:23 am 
Robocop
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I did see your video, I'm just not very good at critiquing music. Sorry.

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